Don’t shame people who don’t wear masks. It won't work.

Don’t shame people who don’t wear masks. It won't work.


Before the coronavirus pandemic, Americans were already an angry lot.

The past four years unleashed a nightmare in the United States: a tyrant president determined to set the country's clock back to a time when inequality was common and accepted, and willing to do just about anything to realize his vision. Those who oppose President Trump's agenda began marching in the streets while he effectively decried such opposition as un-American. Meanwhile, his devout supporters sometimes rally in public with guns at their sides.

Now, the anger has reached a newly horrific pitch. Trapped by a virus that could kill hundreds of thousands of people if left unchecked, people are sad and desperate. They want life to return to normal. They want to scream at those who make normalcy impossible by foregoing common sense or ignoring the rules. The people who refuse to wear a mask or socially distance are furious at being told what to do. Viral videos of such encounters capture just a slice of this resentment, but it remains a constant, inserting itself into once ordinary moments, like casually strolling into Costco.

And then there are those who believe their individual freedom should take priority over the common good or who put such stock in wild conspiracy theories about the virus' origins and efforts to tame it, that no appeal to our shared humanity can shake their opposition to masks.

The mask wars have revealed a new dimension of our collective rage. It took only a few months to arrive at this moment, but it's unclear how or when we'll emerge from it. Public health authorities say universal mask-wearing could curb transmission in several weeks. Just imagine the prospect of safely sending kids back to school and reopening businesses that just shuttered for a second time. The majority of Americans are convinced and wear masks, according to recent polling. Major medical groups say mask-wearing is safe. The president even donned one for the first time last week.


Yet heaping anger and shame on those who resist, however tempting, is a short-lived victory. When properly harnessed, anger can lead to transformational change, channeling people's energy and resources into holding the powerful accountable. But, as the writer Charles Duhigg masterfully laid out in The Atlantic last year, contempt can turn into poisonous revenge-seeking. That anger is a dead end. It quashes compassion and empathy, further erodes our sense of connection and community, and pits family members against each other.

No doubt you see that in your social media feeds, at the grocery store, and in your neighborhood. People masking up post memes, some of them helpful or humorous and others geared more toward judgment and ridicule. Let me be clear: I don't believe advocates of masking deserve a lecture insisting that they're to blame for opposition to the public health measure. The president, first and foremost, is responsible for that. Pretending that this is a "both sides" problem that can be solved by advocates and opponents being a little nicer to each other is not a real solution.

But if you believe mask-wearing is imperative and find yourself ready to shout at a mask-less stranger in a crowded public area, ask what expressing that anger will accomplish.

"The question becomes: What is the goal of our emotion?" says Jamil Zaki, associate professor of psychology at Stanford University and author of the book The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World. "If you're feeling anger, what do you want to do with it?"

"If you're feeling anger, what do you want to do with it?"

Zaki wisely recommends turning first to self-care before letting anger override your decision-making. Practice self-compassion and acknowledge those negative emotions. While you don't owe empathy to anyone and shouldn't fake it for the sake of taking the higher ground, Zaki says we can practice the art of "disagreeing better" by stopping ourselves from reducing someone to a single behavior or opinion. By doing so, "we tend to stop seeing them as people and tend to stop seeing their motivations," he says.

During our conversation, Zaki reminded me that shaming and judgment can be counter-productive forms of persuasion. While shame can have an important chilling effect on certain behaviors, efforts to change minds might be more successful when rooted in the values we share. This truth counters what most of us mistakenly learn through family, school, work, sports, and religion: Holding people accountable for their behavior, deeds, or words means leaning into humiliation and embarrassment.

Just because someone should feel regret and remorse for their decisions — like Amy Cooper, for example — doesn't mean we should respond by substituting shame for accountability. The researcher Brené Brown elucidates this distinction in a recent podcast on the broader subject, which should be required listening for anyone grappling with the complexity of how to tell the difference.

In terms of mask-wearing, Zaki likens shaming opponents or skeptics as similar to the folly of abstinence-only sex education, which we know is ineffective and may lead to the dangerous or risky behaviors we're trying to prevent. Instead, we might try to seek common ground, noting shared experiences or values, like trying to protect at-risk family members, supporting the most vulnerable in our community, or even wearing a seatbelt.

It's also OK to sympathize with the hassle of wearing a mask — it's hard to be heard clearly, they fog up glasses, they are cumbersome — while noting that the positive benefits far outweigh the relatively trivial annoyances. The science is convincing now that mask-wearing can reduce the virus' spread, a fact that wasn't known in March, when authorities discouraged masks because they feared a shortage of personal protective equipment for health care workers. It might even be helpful for skeptics to hear that others can relate to feeling frustrated or confused by the evolving guidance. Chances are they've heard others take that legitimate sentiment and cynically sow doubt about the usefulness of masking.


Ideally, advocates should engage friends and family in person or over the phone, rather than in the public square of social media or via text and email. It's easy for recipients to assume your tone is condescending or dismissive when the exchange is digital, and then fire back with a defensive or even hurtful response, which further frays your connection.

Preserving your humanity — and someone else's — feels like a harder challenge with strangers, precisely because it seems like we have nothing to lose. But if, for example, you see a pharmacist going mask-less near her coworkers and where prescriptions are refilled, file a complaint with the store management instead of shouting angrily — and publicly. If the store lets the pharmacist continue to work without a mask, stop giving it your business and matter-of-factly let your friends know why. This is what accountability can look like.

If you want to train your camera on a mask-less customer brazenly violating store policy and post that confrontation on the internet, consider whether letting the store's supervisors resolve the issue would be more effective than creating content that makes some viewers feel righteous and others feel ridiculed, playing into the latter group's sense of victimization.

Zaki says that instead of contributing more shame to an online pile-on, people can leverage their digital presence and power to back positive goals and shared values. That could mean contributing to a GoFundMe for a barista harassed and shamed by a mask-less customer or retweeting a video of people sharing why they wear masks.


A more careful approach to the mask debate, of course, has its limits. Some people are so fragile or unsure about their beliefs that even the gentlest engagement feels like an affront. Still others are spoiling for a fight, perhaps posting selfies in which they've draped lace underwear over their face to mock mask-wearing, like a Las Vegas councilwoman did recently. For these people, including those who subscribe to conspiracy theories, there may be no good faith attempt to talk about masks. Shouting, shaming, or even calmly talking won't change their minds, and it might just embolden them.

Our path out of this pandemic requires masks. Though we can't control who wears one, we can invite reasonable people to join that effort and hold accountable those who defy norms, regulations, and policies, including politicians who make mask-wearing a political issue. That may be less satisfying than shaming our perceived enemies, but it's far more likely to make the path forward possible.


Comments

  1. This article is way off. People who don't wear masks at this point will never be gently reasoned with. The author is arguing in good faith, but they don't, and never do.

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  2. Why? 2 weeks ago I went to do some medical exams, it was f hot, I had the mask on all the time, I was a long time on a 1m2 room waiting to enter the exam room, I can't breathe because of my allergies and I had arrhythmia episodes - the worst that I have ever had - and I'm fine wearing mask. There's pretty small excuses for not wearing it.

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    1. I also have asthma and I wear a mask

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  3. I can't believe that wearing a piece of cloth to save lives has become such an issue WEAR ONE SAVE LIVES its not rocket science

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  4. We will never know if we had started wearing masks 4 months ago how many lives might have been saved

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    Replies
    1. The same amount of people would of died

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    2. 4 months ago even Dr. Fauci was telling us NOT to wear a mask

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    3. They didn't know as much about this virus 5,6 months ago. Also, people up high in our shithole country knew there was not enough PPE for people working in hospitals.

      "I don't regret anything I said then because in the context of the time in which I said it, it was correct. We were told in our task force meetings that we have a serious problem with the lack of PPEs and masks for the health providers who are putting themselves in harm's way every day to take care of sick people," Fauci told O'Donnell.

      "When it became clear that we could get the infection could be spread by asymptomatic carriers who don't know they're infected, that made it very clear that we had to strongly recommend masks," he said.

      "And also, it soon became clear that we had enough protective equipment and that cloth masks and homemade masks were as good as masks that you would buy from surgical supply stores," Fauci added. "So in the context of when we were not strongly recommending it, it was the correct thing."

      https://www.businessinsider.com/fauci-doesnt-regret...

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    4. they did know. Massive studies have been done since 2011 about how masks don’t protect you or others from airborne viruses so.....

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    5. Masks aren't meant to protect the mask wearer. They are meant to keep the mask wearer from shooting their cootie-laden spit particles all over other people. How hard is this to understand?

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    6. This is very true I looked up the data on the "scientific' studies

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    7. we can kind of know, Italy has around 200 cases a day and deaths in the low tens. Compare and contrast.

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    8. I guess you didn’t read what I posted.

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    9. Quoted from AAPS "Known patients infected with SARS-CoV-2 wore masks and coughed into a Petrie dish. “Both surgical and cotton masks seem to be
      ineffective
      in preventing the dissemination of SARS–CoV-2 from the coughs of patients with COVID-19 to the environment and external mask surface.”
      Please not it states that masks DO NOT prevent the spread of Covid.

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    10. try to get all the NHS staff not to wear their masks then

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    11. massive studies ;D. I bet you read all of these massive studies yourself and aren't just repeating someone else that said there are massive studies. Ha ha

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  5. I think the ones that act out in public when told to wear the mask rode the little yellow bus to and from school (◐‿◑)

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  6. How about we just stop the hate let you do you you don’t like that someone isn’t warring a mask then stay away from them and you will be fine.

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  7. If masks work then why are they letting prisoners out of jail? Give them masks! If masks work then why is the country being shut down? Even the mask makers say the masks don't work!

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    Replies
    1. the mask makers? ;D I guess the scientists that tested them cant be trusted but the mask makers ��

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  8. t is a preventive measure. If someone doesn't wear one but obeys the distancing and doesn't talk...I move on

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  9. If you can't we're one for just under an hour while you're in the store that's sad it's sad that you don't care enough about anyone else besides yourself it's sad that you can't spend 1 hour thinking about someone else

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  10. if it is mandatory show no anger fine them hit them where it hurts

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    Replies
    1. the ADA makes me exempt from wearing any mask.

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  11. People who do not wear a mask don't have any shame about possibly spreading the virus

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    Replies
    1. Why are we trying to 'shame' people into wearing a mask???

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  12. I refuse to enter any shop/supermarket etc who di not enforce basic regulations for our safety! It is just a matter of common sense!!

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  13. Covid doesn’t care about politics. Masks are a tool we can use against Covid. We should use every tool we can, however imperfect, in order to protect our fellow human beings.

    Please wear a mask.

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  14. Read up on OSHA’S website; please enlighten yourselves...

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    1. these are liberals, you think they want to think for themselves?

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  15. I just realized that people would rather die than be told to do something that will save their lives but they feel encroaches their freedoms (which I really don't understand how wearing a mask does...)

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  16. I shame liberals everyday.

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  17. thanks for illustrating my point!

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  18. you wear a mask because you are told it works when in fact it does not work. Sheep

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  19. there is no mask war. It is the intelligent, responsible citizens educating morons to develop cognitive skills to understand basic health ethics

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  20. Don't shame them. Fine them. Or don't let them in shops

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  21. its not about shame, its about life and death. it has more priority

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  22. Just like road rage, same trigger mechanism for all rage.

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  23. Because they have no shame, common sense nor care about others

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  24. Never shame anyone. .. hit the with a stick from behind and run away.

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  25. Can't shame them they just don't know any better.

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  26. i see people out and about without their masks i make sure and avoid them. they want to be chumps with their health its on them

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  27. Do as you're told, or Gestapo spank!

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  28. If you do hopefully you have hands to back your mouth . People are crazy . Better to keep your distance.

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  29. You can’t fix stupid...Just take care of your families best you can...

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  30. They can wear a face shield

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  31. I use a Kleenex when i sneeze

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  32. I can wear a mask at the bank. One day... one day.

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  33. Probably do the opposite

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  34. Schapen dragen maskers en worden opgegeten door de wolven.

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  35. Why are their so many cases in the states?

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  36. Coronavirus is weakening, could die on its own without vaccine - Italian expert

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  37. People who are incapable of empathy can't feel shame either. Just start fining them.

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  38. Only a truly evil person turns wearing a mask that saves lives into a political wedge issue.

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  39. Shaming someone isn't equal to raging, that's totally different. Don't mix terms for headlines so you can sell more adds. That's bull.

    We as a society, somewhere along the line, stopped caring or noticing when people behave in a way not acceptable. I cannot believe how many people will sit in the seats on a train or bus that are intended for the elderly or handicapped or pregnant and not get up. Noticing and speaking up is not shaming them, they are shaming themselves, it's pointing out their bad, unacceptable behavior.

    Imagine if everyone pointed out bad and unacceptable behavior.

    So when you see someone who is not wearing a mask, if we all told them they should and told them the reasons why, maybe they would want to present themselves to other people in a better way. Pointing out someone's refusal to do what all Americans should do to protect each other is not shaming them, they shamed themselves as soon as they went out into public not wearing a mask.

    I don't know what happened to our society, it seems to have happened over night. All the sudden people don't care about each other. They politicize everything even doing such a simple thing as wearing a cover over their nose and mouth around other people. We have as Americans become selfish and not willing to stand up for what is right.

    If you refuse to wear a mask, then nobody should talk with you, do business with you, get anywhere close to you because you are putting everyone else at risk. And no, nobody is infringing on any of your freedoms or rights. Our great grandparents wore covers over their nose and mouth in 1918, and it was mandated by the government for them to do so. In the over 102 years since, nobody has suffered any loss of any freedoms or rights. So grow up, stop making excuses, start behaving like you are part of society and do the right thing.

    And if you are willing to shame yourself by not wearing a mask, don't blame me for pointing that fact out, because I will, every single time.

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